That first time was kind of hard- I was thinking about my grandfather, and reading the headstones and wondering about the lives of all of these people buried there. The graves for one-day old babies that were laid to rest seven years ago yet still have fresh flowers set out each week. Or the woman whose grave is marked with just a fading wooden cross, "Ambrocia" written on it in sloppy, white painted letters. And the two men, presumably brothers, who have matching headstones engraved with pickup trucks and ATVs. A lot of people live a very long time in the mountains of Colorado- there are several 95+ lifespans in that cemetery. And a lot of people don't- like the few women buried there who were born in the 1970's and passed away before the new millennium, whose headstones say things like "always beautiful" and "we will love you forever".
After working at this job for a few weeks and trimming around the same graves each Thursday, I started to notice something else. Male and female graves are very, very different. While there are endless numbers of "beloved wife and mother" graves, adorned with hearts, flowers, the not-infrequent holy cross, and the disturbing trend of a full-color glamour shot decoupaged onto the headstone (creepy), the ways that men are remembered after they pass are often far more interesting.
There's one for a guy who died at age 56, engraved with intricately drawn golf clubs, a winning poker hand, and the Denver Bronco's logo (basically, they could have saved a lot of time and money by just writing "Big Drinker" on the headstone). There is a grave marked only with a crossed pair of vintage yellow skis, driven into the ground. One plot has a stone with a scene of horses and a farm that says "beloved father, husband, and rancher". There are too many to count with guns, deer, rivers and mountains.
Why is it that men are remembered for their interests, hobbies, and occupations, and women are only memorialized by their relationships to other people? Men can be buried with a lasting monument to their love of the land, four-wheel drive vehicles, or even gambling, but women are almost always praised post-humously for their ability to successfully marry and procreate.
Don't get me wrong, I would be delighted if anyone referred to me as "beloved", in life or death. More often terms like "crazy", "sarcastic" or "loud" come to mind. Being described as beloved would be a great honor, if an unlikely one. But is a loving wife, mother, or sister really the most descriptive thing a woman can be remembered as after she dies?
I want my headstone to say "Caitlin Kennett, beloved hard-core badass" or "Enthusiastic Serial Hobbyist". Why not? Etchings of flowers and hearts show us nothing of the people that these women were. And this is Colorado, for gods sake. Not one female grave with an etching of a mountain, a bicycle, skis or a horse. I find it difficult to believe that everyone buried in this cemetery lived and breathed to care for their husbands and kids and nothing else. We should really start making cemeteries more progressive, people. Think of how fun it would be for some stranger to come upon your grave 70 years later and read something like "great mom, even better table dancer".
And when I pass, if you must decoupage my photo onto my grave, make sure it's this one:
I beloved you. Interestingly my Sister and I did a family cemetery tour and I agree with your assessment. I want mine to say Loving Mother and couch potato.
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