The article was not suggesting that women are smart because they stay single (oh, damn). Instead, it was a rather long series of paragraphs of thinly-veiled man-bashing. Men are intimidated by your genius, men are programmed to want to be the intellectually dominant one, men see your independent thinking as a threat to getting what they want from you. As I finished the article, which was interesting at times (once you saw through the snarky comments about the modern man), I found myself perplexed. If all these women who are described in this article are really so smart, independent, and career-driven, why should it be impossible for them to "feel bliss" (a direct quote, suggesting that "bliss" can only exist once one has found a life partner)?
The answer is: this is a web blog for women who are looking for validation for their single-hood. They want an "expert" (this article cited a "study" of 121 British participants- what a number!) to explain why they don't have a husband. I am not above this. I read this site, and others like it, in moments of loneliness or confusion or when an interesting title pops up on my news feed. I also send the links to my sister (who will tell you she is damn sick of it) and my best friend (who is happily married and who always indulges me by confirming that yes, these pieces really could have been written about me).
But how about this, girls- let's stop searching for a reason that we are alone. Can we stop obsessing over why no man has chosen us and start wondering why we haven't chosen them? Even better, why don't you stop worrying about it altogether?
Ok, ok. Easy for me to say. If you've read my earlier posts, you're probably well aware that no biological clock is ticking for me, that I won't feel like I am failing if I reach my mid-30's, childless and husband-less. But what if we realized for a moment that life is not a dead-end street if you aren't married, or long-term coupled? What if we stopped using the word alone to describe women without a romantic relationship?
I'm not alone (well, I am at the moment, cross-legged on my unmade bed in my messy box of an apartment, typing away and chewing a fingernail, in my sweatpants, barefoot - and after that description, thanking God that there is no one else here), even though I am single. I have friends who I talk to daily, some that I see even almost weekly. I have at least ten people I can turn to in moments of hardship, or moments of triumph, who will genuinely care about what is going on with me. I have a wonderful family (including two sisters who are probably some of the best of the friends described above), entertaining and supportive coworkers, and an old, chain-smoking, building superintendent across the hall who will open my apartment door for me at any time of day or night if I get locked out (and who I know would come check for my lifeless body before it even started to smell). Also, I am an extrovert, which means I am never truly alone- I had a five minute conversation about muffins just this morning with a retiree at the bakery. I have an ongoing rapport with the gas station attendants near work. The Amato's counter girl knows my name, occupation and sandwich order. I am not alone!
I have ambitions, ranging from as small as reducing my clothing collection to what will fit in a suitcase, hiking a few mountains this summer, and losing 15 pounds, to as large as changing careers, moving out West, and writing a book. None of these require another human, and in fact some of them could (potentially) be more complicated if I was in a relationship.
So as much as this blog is not supposed to be an instruction manual, I shall make one suggestion: single women, liberate yourselves! What would you do if you decided you could do it alone? How would you change your life, your habits, your wardrobe or social life, if you accepted that a lifelong partner might not be in the cards for you? Would you stop hunting for the perfect husband/father material (and start shopping for sperm donors)? Buy a house on your own? Move somewhere? Travel? Start your own business? Get more education?
As I've said, I'm an extrovert. I know there are a lot of experiences that are enhanced by doing them with others. However, in my 30 years of life, I have found it is far easier to find some friends to share your ambitions and interests than to find a man (and then hope you can engage him in the things you are already enthusiastic about).
The other beautiful thing about accepting that you might not find The One is the ability to be casual and calm. To meet a guy and think "hey, he might be fun to have some adventures with", rather than "does he make enough money for me to take time off when we have a baby?" will surely open you up to more friendship (and hey, maybe even romantic) opportunities. Maybe even the old "it will come along as soon as you stop looking" theory. Who knows?
I am not rejecting relationships, let me be clear. My close friends who have read this post to this point are probably rolling their eyes right now and saying either "gosh, she's gotten cynical, must be all those failed relationships" or "she's full of crap, she was talking about finding a good guy just yesterday". Relationships are awesome, if they are good ones. I get crushes on guys I meet, I still fall for people. I still hope that there's someone out there who will "wow" me, and we will ride off into the (adventure-filled) sunset. I test out how my first name sounds paired with their last name. I muse about the type of wedding dress I'd like. I'm a girl.
In closing, single people, I implore you. Stop planning your life around how you will meet your lifelong partner. Don't hold back on other ambitions because you're waiting for someone to share them with you. Make your own happiness, destiny, or whatever other inspirational word should be inserted here. What would you do if you were liberated from the confines of thinking you need another person to be whole?
Be enough for yourself!
